piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm going to jail i love you
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
