Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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