the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
