Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
