I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
