Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
