a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
