In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He felt like a one man threesome
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
