She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
