Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
