Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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