cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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