Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
