I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
