I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
