I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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