Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
