Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Less talking, more tequila
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
