thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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