i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
