THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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