I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
