i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
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