so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
