So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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