I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
