Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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