I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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