Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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