Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
