Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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