When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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