Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
