Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
