tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
