this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
