the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
In America we eat man semen.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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