the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
