I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
