I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
