So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
