The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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