I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
