if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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