My friends, they love my intelligence
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
