it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
