ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
