When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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