Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
