I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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