When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
