SEEEEXXX PLEASE
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
